Authentic Expressionz

The Truth… nothing but… so help me God♥

Sorry For My Absence… March 3, 2015

Filed under: Life♥ — theemrsgordon @ 4:59 am

live

2014 ended with the unexpected birth of my now 2 month old son…

the day after Christmas (his due date was Jan. 18th)

I have so much to share…

so many new posts pending publishing…

I hope you all have missed me…

STAY TUNED

 I will be back blogging here SOON!

In the meantime, if you are a parent, check out my parenting blog

Two Cents.Three Kids.

 

Subscription Cancelled! November 20, 2014

Filed under: Life♥ — theemrsgordon @ 12:07 pm

toxic

People typically pride themselves on ending bad relationships and friendships…

When you notice someone is not ADDING to your life, you should subtract them from it.

Its pretty simple.

But, the slope tends to get slippery when the toxic person is a relative.

I believe it is important to maintain ONLY those relationships which are positive and beneficial to your life.

Relatives included.

I don’t believe a single soul on this earth has the right to bring negativity into your life… drama, headaches, foolishness, ignorance, etc etc etc. I choose to live my life a certain way and I will no longer entertain those who opt for a lifestyle I do not agree with. I believe God gave us all wisdom to decipher those who are FOR us and those who are so far out of touch with reality that they cannot even be for themselves. It is these people we must pray for… and let God work through.

Just because you are my mother, sister, aunt, cousin, friend, you are NOT entitled to a free pass.

So often we subscribe to the BS of our blood for one reason or another. We don’t want them to go crazy so we allow them to vent. We don’t want them to feel alone so we share in their pains and heartaches. We stress when they stress. We cry for them. We pray for them. BUT when their drama begins to become YOUR drama by default, its time to tune out. When they decide they can longer take constructive criticisms, or they constantly call you for advice they NEVER intend to take— when they decide to disrespect you and bring up your past because their present is in total chaos, its time to UNSUBSCRIBE.

I don’t believe in saying “You will need me before I need you” because I feel the only person we NEED in this life is God… and I am not Him. But I believe there are people who will not understand your value until you cut them off. At the same token, I believe in carrying a sharp pair of scissors to severe ties with ANYONE who isn’t adding to my life.

At 28, I am a different woman than I was at 27. I pride myself on living a drama FREE life. I don’t have issues with myself. I don’t have issues with other women. I have a positive attitude. I have amazing children. I have a marriage that I am PROUD of. I have a new baby on the way… ♥ I just don’t have the time or energy to subscribe to the issues of other people…

I am thankful for the wisdom to know that everybody doesn’t deserve a place in my life. Family or Friend or Foe. If you’re toxic… you’re terminated.

♥ Live Life ♥

 

4 Things I Forget To Be Thankful For… October 20, 2014

Filed under: Life♥ — theemrsgordon @ 11:37 am

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1. Waking up in the morning…

Every single day is a blessing. Its hard to be thankful for the gift of a new day when the alarm clock shrieks at 7:15AM and I have to drag myself out of a comfortable bed and into a job I unequivocally hate, but even still– the fact that there is breath in my lungs is a blessing in and of itself.

Lord, I thank You.

2. My ((Annoying)) Children…

I had a very ROUGH morning… and said some things to my children I had to go back with tear-filled eyes and apologize for. && Maybe it is the pregnancy hormones piling all up to ridiculous numbers— but I am forever thankful to have 2 1/2 amazing children. I complain, I fuss, I yell, I ignore— but I love them with EVERY piece of me. Its easy to take that for granted…

Lord, I thank You.

3. My Husband…

Its easy to forget to be thankful for the person who is ALWAYS there for you…. you start taking them for granted. I am thankful for the support, the unconditional love, the joys, the laughter, the opportunities for growth our marriage has presented me with. My husband ROCKS.

Lord, I thank You.

4. The Hardships of Past and Present…

I realize I cannot be a DIAMOND if I am not molded by pressures around me. Life hasn’t been easy and so often I ask for the EASY and ignore the hardships because lets face it— NO ONE wants to struggle. But I admit, my struggles have made me the woman I am today.

Lord, I thank You.

 

An Open Letter To God… August 26, 2014

Filed under: Life♥ — theemrsgordon @ 10:41 pm

 

 

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Dear God,

There is pain behind this smile… Hidden. For years, I have smiled through the pain. I have forced away negative thoughts, talked myself out of mental breakdowns, covered up my hurt with superficial joy. I am just so tired…

I’m so tired of bring frustrated, Lord. I am so tired of being strong…. I am tired of having so much on my mind and no one to share it with. I am tired of my feelings being dismissed as irrelevant… Labeled “wrong” or “negative”. No, there is nothing RIGHT about anger, bitterness, frustration, and HURT. But God, these are my feelings.

This is how I wake up. This is how I go throughout the day. This is how I fall asleep. Day in and day out. I talk to You every day, Lord. I have yelled. I have cried. I am broken.

Lord, I can’t take it… I am so frustrated. And yes, I blame these pregnancy hormones for my moments of breakdown… But these hormones are only making it more difficult to disguise what is ALWAYS there.

I can’t let go. I can’t move forward. I can’t deal. Help me, God. Help me understand how to truly practice forgiveness, to rid my heart of bitterness, to rid my mind of negativity, to stop the nightmares, to understand that some people will never understand my pain.

I have learned we all view love differently… What we accept, how we behave. I know my experiences from childhood play a MAJOR role in the manner I love people, in general. My adult experiences have magnified and justified the distrust I have of people. But, God, I yearn to fully trust that You can change my life.

It is not easy. My life has never been easy… And even that realization sucks. Being a wife ain’t easy… misunderstood, trials, tribulations, pain. Being a mother ain’t easy… Smiling when I want to cry, locking myself in the bathroom for a moment of clarity. Being a friend ain’t easy… Deception, disloyalty. Hell, being family ain’t easy… roots growing on rocky foundations since day one of my life.

Lord, I just want easy. I just want easy. I just want to sleep throughout the night without nightmares… PTSD isn’t reserved for war vets. My life has been a war.

God, I’m tired of fighting. Fighting for peace of mind. Fighting for clarity. Fighting for love. For joy. For easy…

God, I love you. Always have. Always will. I need you. Now.

 

Questions From My Son… [[poetry]] August 15, 2014

Filed under: Life♥ — theemrsgordon @ 11:56 am
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My son as JESUS for Halloween ♥

My son as JESUS for Halloween ♥

 

My son is 7 years old

And without fail he asks me a gazillion questions

Every

Single

Day

Not the simple inquisitiveness of a normal 7 year old child

But question after question about

Jesus

Mommy, did kids have to go to school when Jesus was alive?”

“Did Jesus go to school when he was a kid?”

Mommy, did Jesus have kids?”

And just yesterday we had an entire conversation about the relationship between Jesus

And Santa Claus

He asked “How can Santa Claus live forever to give gifts to all the children of the world if Jesus says everybody has to die someday?”

And without hesitation I quickly explained “Well, silly, because Santa Claus is magical

And without missing a beat my son says “But Jesus is Jesus!”

And I was stumped

Knowing I could not trump that response he continued “Maybe he’ll live until the world ends because it wouldn’t be right to end the world and take everybody away and leave Santa, his wife, and the elves with all those toys and no children to give them to

I love these conversations with him

Moments when I can see his brain turning right before my eyes

And I know it’s only a matter of time before I fail to have all the answers

Because sometimes his questions are too deep

Like last year when he asked how it was possible for Zimmerman to be not guilty when Trayvon Martin is clearly dead

And those are the times I have to talk to my son about race and being black in Ameri- KKKA

I have to explain that there will be people who don’t like him just because of his skin

That they will hate him for being exactly who God created him to be

And it breaks my heart to the millionth degree

When he says “I hope that never happens to me

I don’t let him watch much news stories these days

Try not to let him overhear stories like those of Eric Garner and Michael Brown

Because I don’t want to explain to my 7 year old son that it has happened yet again

That those boys in blue who mommy and daddy said are supposed to protect you only view you as a nigger

I don’t want to have to explain to my son what NIGGER really means

And how being a NIGGER in their eyes may have you in some chokehold unable to breathe

Or with your arms up in surrender being shot dead in the street

How 10 years from now he’ll be around the same age as Michael Brown

And even if he continues to get straight As and Bs

Even if he excels and does everything properly

That won’t keep him from being a NIGGER to them

At 7, I’d rather talk about Santa

And Jesus

Then tell him the dark truth about racism and hatred

But with every story of deja vu on the news I feel I’m doing my son a disservice if I don’t prepare him

I don’t intend to implant fear but I know deep down he should be afraid

Because there may be some nigger hunting cop that pulls him over some day

A cop who doesn’t understand that raised arms indicate MY SON is no threat to him

That MY SON has no weapon on his persons

Some cop who hangs photos of black men up in the gun range during target practice

Some cop secretly a member of the KKK

Who knows he’ll be protected by the sick brotherhood of those gun wielding vigilantes in uniform and with badges so he behaves like he has nothing to fear

See there are some parents who never have to talk about anything but Santa Claus and Jesus

But those parents don’t have our skin

We aren’t afforded the luxury of innocence or ignorance

We were born kings and queens and brought to a country where our skin equals guilt

We have to be aware and teach our sons how not to be killed

How to seem less threatening

So they can come back home to us at the end of the day

But in all of our lessons we are haunted by the ghosts of Sean Bell, Amadou Diallo, Kimani Gray, Kendrec McDade, Orlando Barlow, Aaron Campbell, Oscar Grant, and other unarmed black men who didn’t make it home at the end of the day

These are the conversations we must have with our 7 year old little black boys

Because they are black in a country that condemns black skin

And even though my son asks a question about Jesus every single day

A person who hates him for the outside will never see the God in his heart

When there is just so much God in his heart

And I don’t want my baby’s last question to be

“Mommy, why did Jesus let it happen to me…”

 

Confessions Of A Struggling Wife… August 13, 2014

Filed under: Life♥ — theemrsgordon @ 1:39 pm

 

 

 

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I am literally at the point where I am unbelievably cognizant of my WORTH and all that I bring to the table.

I believe I am an asset in ALL relationships that I am blessed to be a part of…

Family-ships, friendships, work-ships, and even within my marriage♥

Over the years, I have experienced soooooooo much within the relationships of my life.

I have been betrayed, heartbroken, lied to, lied on—

I have cried, contemplated suicide, and hated life.

And today– I am PROUD…

which I am learning is a problem in, and of, itself.

Pride makes people feel independent and self-sufficient– which means “I don’t NEED you“.

Pride makes people feel the need to be right all the time— which means “I am ALWAYS right“.

Pride makes people defensive when criticized— which means “You cant tell me ANYTHING!”

Pride can even make a person insecure (because full of pride we want to be perfect, but realistically we know we are not)— which means “I don’t trust you”.

Today– I am STRUGGLING.

Marriage is not easy. It’s not even a relationship I want all of the time. It can be stressful and painful and irritating. It can truly bring out the worst in you— especially when you feel the person you are married to is not on the same page as you are all of the time. I find myself comforting other married women and men— encouraging them to hang in there— but it is not always easy to encourage myself regarding my own union.

I struggle with being a “good” wife. Mainly because there are so many connotations of what that actually means… Do I cook enough? Clean enough? Smile enough? Encourage enough? And if there is MORE to do, am I motivated enough to do it in the presence of disunity and conflict?

I struggle with self-control. I still haven’t mastered the art of breathing through my anger. I curse my husband out when I feel I am pushed to the edge. Sometimes I curse even before getting to the edge because in my mind I know it’ll escalate there anyway so I choose not to waste time with small talk. I am a TOTALLY changed woman when it comes to conflict with others (because I refuse to go to jail over some foolishness) but it is impossible EXTREMELY difficult to control myself when I feel I have been slighted by my husband. He is supposed to KNOW better. He is supposed to be MY friend. If he disrespects me, he deserves whatever happens as a result. Right? Guess not. But its a struggle.

I struggle with PRIDE. There is a part of me that feels I cannot live without my husband… the part of me that misses him when he goes to work… the part that texts him sweet nothings throughout the day… the part of me that fell in love with him nearly 11 years ago. Then there is the other part of me… the Prideful Netta, who doesn’t NEED ANYONE. The Netta who can do it all by herself, has her own resources, and is the brains of any operation she is a part of– Marriage included. When THAT Netta appears, you don’t want to be around.

I struggle with forgiveness. I have been slighted by those I love more times that I can count on one hand. Within my marriage, these transgressions have been similar to being stabbed in the heart and having scar tissue appear in the place of the wound. Sure, its healed. But its scar tissue… a constant reminder of all that has gone wrong… and the possibility that it could all go very wrong again. There are times when my guard is completely down and then I am reminded of how being “too comfortable” can go all too wrong and so I struggle with moving forward.

I struggle with TONS OF OTHER THINGS that I am working on. God is not through with me yet… and He wont be through with me for a long time. I have so much to conquer. And I pray for a willing spirit to overcome every mountain placed in my path…

and if all else fails, I have an exit strategy…

because these days, I also struggle with optimism.

 

Quit Blaming Blacks When UNARMED BLACKS Are MURDERED By Cops! August 11, 2014

Filed under: Life♥ — theemrsgordon @ 3:23 pm

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I have a post dedicated to the senseless murder of UNARMED teen, Michael Brown, but I had to hold off on posting it. I have expressed sentiments on Facebook and Twitter… along with others who are shocked, hurt, disappointed, and enraged by this tragic event. I had to stop and write this post because I am enraged by the nonchalant responses to this TRAGEDY I have seen from people of all shades— and especially the response from OUR OWN who are pointing the finger back to the black community.

I am so tired of seeing these rants from people of color who JUSTIFY the actions of those who are against us and blame it on “black on black crime”. I have read TOO MANY statuses and tweets about how “they” kill us because “we” kill each other. That couldn’t be further from the truth.

Truth is there was a time when we LOVED each other… when we carried ourselves with DIGNITY… when we valued EDUCATION… when we rocked afros and screamed from the mountaintops about BLACK PRIDE. There was Malcolm, Martin, Rosa, and Garvey— and still they KILLED US. Our women were still RAPED. Our men were still degraded and called BOY. We were still NIGGERS and our lives held NO VALUE in their eyes.

Their HATRED for us had NOTHING to do with the manner in which we carried ourselves or killed each other. It had NOTHING to do with anything except their HATRED. And to this day it has NOTHING to do with anything but their HATRED OF OUR SKIN.

If you disagree, please take a moment and explain SLAVERY to me.

What exactly did WE do to one another on another continent to justify being enslaved for 400 years in Amerikka? Explain Emmett Till. What did we do to one another to justify having his eyes gouged out and shooting him through the head? Explain the 4 little girls in Birmingham? What did we do to one another to justify them being blown to smithereens inside of a church at Sunday school?

You cannot tell me this foolishness is a result of OUR behavior.

So much time is spent blaming ourselves. We keep talking about what WE need to do as a black community to stop us from killing each other. Lets talk about what THIS COUNTRY needs to do to stop them from killing US. What can WE DO to demand JUSTICE for all of the Amadou Diallos, Sean Bells, Oscar Grants, and Michael Browns!? What can WE DO to stop this from happening again?! It has NOTHING to do with Pookie N’ nem shooting each other. Pookie N’ nem are prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law when they act like cowards, barbarians, and trash. These WHITE cops are NOT. These cops get away with MURDER. These cops shoot without regard for life. They KILL US because they can.

Stop talking about bullshit that isn’t relevant to THIS ISSUE.

YET ANOTHER UNARMED BLACK BOY WAS MURDERED IN THE STREETS BY AN OFFICER OF THE LAW—

SHOT DOWN LIKE A DOG—

BROARD DAYLIGHT—

NOT WEARING A HOODIE. NOT WITH A WEAPON. NOT BEING BELLIGERENT OR THREATENING.

JUST BEING BLACK…

AND THAT is the ONLY thing we should discuss at this time.

 

 
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