Confessions Of A Struggling Wife…

 

 

 

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I am literally at the point where I am unbelievably cognizant of my WORTH and all that I bring to the table.

I believe I am an asset in ALL relationships that I am blessed to be a part of…

Family-ships, friendships, work-ships, and even within my marriage♥

Over the years, I have experienced soooooooo much within the relationships of my life.

I have been betrayed, heartbroken, lied to, lied on—

I have cried, contemplated suicide, and hated life.

And today– I am PROUD…

which I am learning is a problem in, and of, itself.

Pride makes people feel independent and self-sufficient– which means “I don’t NEED you“.

Pride makes people feel the need to be right all the time— which means “I am ALWAYS right“.

Pride makes people defensive when criticized— which means “You cant tell me ANYTHING!”

Pride can even make a person insecure (because full of pride we want to be perfect, but realistically we know we are not)— which means “I don’t trust you”.

Today– I am STRUGGLING.

Marriage is not easy. It’s not even a relationship I want all of the time. It can be stressful and painful and irritating. It can truly bring out the worst in you— especially when you feel the person you are married to is not on the same page as you are all of the time. I find myself comforting other married women and men— encouraging them to hang in there— but it is not always easy to encourage myself regarding my own union.

I struggle with being a “good” wife. Mainly because there are so many connotations of what that actually means… Do I cook enough? Clean enough? Smile enough? Encourage enough? And if there is MORE to do, am I motivated enough to do it in the presence of disunity and conflict?

I struggle with self-control. I still haven’t mastered the art of breathing through my anger. I curse my husband out when I feel I am pushed to the edge. Sometimes I curse even before getting to the edge because in my mind I know it’ll escalate there anyway so I choose not to waste time with small talk. I am a TOTALLY changed woman when it comes to conflict with others (because I refuse to go to jail over some foolishness) but it is impossible EXTREMELY difficult to control myself when I feel I have been slighted by my husband. He is supposed to KNOW better. He is supposed to be MY friend. If he disrespects me, he deserves whatever happens as a result. Right? Guess not. But its a struggle.

I struggle with PRIDE. There is a part of me that feels I cannot live without my husband… the part of me that misses him when he goes to work… the part that texts him sweet nothings throughout the day… the part of me that fell in love with him nearly 11 years ago. Then there is the other part of me… the Prideful Netta, who doesn’t NEED ANYONE. The Netta who can do it all by herself, has her own resources, and is the brains of any operation she is a part of– Marriage included. When THAT Netta appears, you don’t want to be around.

I struggle with forgiveness. I have been slighted by those I love more times that I can count on one hand. Within my marriage, these transgressions have been similar to being stabbed in the heart and having scar tissue appear in the place of the wound. Sure, its healed. But its scar tissue… a constant reminder of all that has gone wrong… and the possibility that it could all go very wrong again. There are times when my guard is completely down and then I am reminded of how being “too comfortable” can go all too wrong and so I struggle with moving forward.

I struggle with TONS OF OTHER THINGS that I am working on. God is not through with me yet… and He wont be through with me for a long time. I have so much to conquer. And I pray for a willing spirit to overcome every mountain placed in my path…

and if all else fails, I have an exit strategy…

because these days, I also struggle with optimism.

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