Our relationship started as a fluke of sorts… after I stalked him for a little while… he took the bait… and we eventually decided to make it official. Not looking for anything, I’d often talk to my best friend Tiffany about how we’d be each other’s Valentine for the following February because we were both single.
And then we both hooked up with someone.
She found Trav.
I found him.
Someone cute and mysterious and quiet and confident and all the things teenage girls want in teenage boys.
Our first kiss was awkward because it happened in a stairwell on the 3rd floor of our high school… afterschool when he should have been heading to football practice and I should have been helping my English teacher with FCAT tutoring. It was awkward and exhilarating… and I covered my face afterwards because I forgot I was black and black girls cant really blush but I didn’t want him to see me blush and so I covered my face. Like a nerd. Like a child. Like a teenage girl with the most flippant of mouths and the worst of attitudes who would beat other teenage girls to a pulp but cowered in the presence of hot teenage boys.
And because I was aroused and my virgin self did not want this boy to even think he had an inkling of a chance doing anything more than that kiss. Because he didn’t stand a chance. I mean, I don’t think he stood a chance.
I remember we first said I love you December of 2003. I cant recall if we really meant it at the time but it sounded like music to my ears on the phone that night. It felt good to love and be loved even if it was only “puppy love”.
The moment I knew I could love him forever…
…was when he cried because I dumped him.
It was Senior year of high school and he cried… because he wanted to be with me… because I was the girl he loved… Because I was so freaking awesome that he couldn’t fathom life without all of MY magic in it. 🙂
When we grew up to be grown ups, I discovered I was head over heels in love with him. I discovered he was my soul mate. I discovered he was inherently flawed and yet I couldn’t stop myself from loving him. The magnetic pull of his soul was too strong to resist and so I didn’t try… often.
I told myself this was a good thing and I let myself experience every bit of it. Every hurt from loving so hard. Every ache from loving blindly and without question and without reason or logic or rationale. I felt every joy of seeing him smile and every butterfly that ever fluttered in the existence of bellies. I have laughed from happiness until I have cried. I have cried from pain until the tears ceased to exist. I have found that LOVE isn’t love until its THIS type of love… and I don’t expect to ever experience this type of love again on this side of the horizon.
Through our love, I have found God. In my husband’s flaws, I have learned how to love LIKE God… because loving him like my pitiful human self just isn’t good enough to be called love. I have learned how to love myself— how to have the courage to be as brave as I have always proclaimed. I have learned how to make decisions for MYSELF and not for others. I have learned to be the woman God created me to be.
Virtuous. Forgiving. Loving. Respectful. Honest. & Flawed.
God does everything in His own time and in perfect timing. I know our love is not perfect but in this marriage, I see God all around us. I have watched my husband grow into a MAN who loves the Lord, loves his wife, loves his children, and loves LOVE. I have watched him make mistakes and learn from them. Equally, he has bore witness to all of my trials, errors, and my entire journey into this woman I am today.
I cannot say I have found love.
Because to find would indicate I was looking for it…
God designed this love for us.
This twisted love.
This magical love.
This forgiveness-drenched love.
This we-all-we-got love.
This til-death love.
He wrote this story… and we are blessed to live it.
We just ended up here…
and here we are, ten years later, LIVING LOVE♥♥♥