…and then you die.

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“The ONLY thing that matters is that YOU are dying.

Period.”

Every day I turn on the television, I am faced with the harsh reality of this world we live in. I am often reminded of the song “I Won’t Complain” and I mentally weigh the good and bad days of my life to convince myself that I truly should not complain.

But sometimes that isn’t enough…

Sometimes the weight of the world is just too heavy… and the fact that I feel ALONE in this misery makes it even harder to cope with. The stress of struggling with 2 beautiful children who you know don’t deserve to struggle is just impossible to deal with without complaint. I know things could be worse. Trust me, I know. I have seen worse.

I have lived worse.

But when your children are old enough to understand it makes it that much worse… even though they don’t have a REAL idea of how bad things are… it just makes it much more difficult for me to live with.

No, this isn’t a suicide letter. Don’t get carried away.

This is just the pure SOUL of a hardworking woman who feels bad a lot of days… a whole lot of days. I know people are keen to playing pretend for the sake of SEEMING like they have it all together but I have never been that person. I am just REAL. I don’t care how others perceive me. I don’t care if they find joy in my “bad days”. Never have. Never will.

This is me. Take it or leave it.

I try to make the most of every situation. I smile when I feel like crying. I cry when I feel like crying. I believe trouble doesn’t last always and so I take these opportunities of strife to teach my children the value of education, the value of hard work, the value of prayer. At the end of the day, I know this life I am living is not to glorify me for anything exceptional I have done and that my misfortune and struggles make for a greater testimony to glorify GOD but I just don’t know how much more of this I can handle…

Without losing my sanity.

It is hard to wake up every day, go to work, excel, and come home at the end of the day to a life which doesn’t reflect that diligence. I know there are MILLIONS of people living this same way but that doesn’t provide any genuine comfort for me and my situation.

When the weight of your problems are suffocating you it doesn’t matter that others are dying WITH you. The only thing that matters is that YOU are dying. Period.

I have two children I have to live for…

But…

This isn’t living. This is just inhaling and exhaling.

With some tears in between…

A few hungry days…

A few trying days…

A few screw-it-all days thrown in the mix…

A few less friends…

A few more tears…

And a glaring realization that things could be worse…

Inhale.

Exhale.

And then you die…

*sigh*

 

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