I Am My Own Worst Enemy…

I think I finally have the balls to admit it…

I am literally the ONLY thing standing in the way of my goals.

Life is funny that way… there are miles and miles of open road ahead of us and we choose the path with as many detours, pit stops, and flat tires as possible. I graduated with HONORS, received a 75% scholarship for school, and— cue dramatic music— came home after the first semester. 8 years later… no degree, no career. Go figure.

No, I wasn’t as financially secure as the scholarship had me to believe and not having come from money, I probably could’ve stayed at USF on someone’s floor until I got a job (or something). Ok. Maybe not. But the possibility, though UNREAListic, sounds pretty good right now.

My life has been a series of ups and downs (which is why my poetry and my writing is so passionate) but I admit, some of the pit stops I have made were fully avoidable. The once hardcore menace who played football barefoot in the street, jumped gates, and fought with boys turned out to be an emotional wreck— emotional and hormonal. Ugh.

I found love… and heartache… and sex… and tears. I found trust… broke trust… found deception… infidelity… and TRUTH. I found how to keep a secret… and how to hide things deep within the pit of my soul so as to hide them from myself.  I found every pit stop imaginable and strolled off course more times than I can remember.

My story is simple— girl meets boy. Girl falls in love with boy. Girl goes to college. Girl’s family has no money. Girl considers returning home. Girl doesn’t think twice about leaving college and returns to said boy. Girl and boy have daughter. Girl and boy have son. Girl and boy get married. Somewhere in between, girl re-enters college, leaves college, enters the working force, leaves the working force, gets sick, gets kidney stones, has surgery, experiences depression, seeks therapy, considers suicide, goes to jail, sleeps in car, makes a poem to the melody of her stomach growling after not eating a meal in days… blah blah blah. Simple, right?

This girl learned the meaning of pain… and lived to tell about it.

I put myself through so much pain…

second guessing my talents,

accepting things I should never have,

befriending people who only sought to advance their personal agendas.

I allowed myself to be deceived by people who I knew were no good. I learned the hard way that we ACCEPT what we FEEL we DESERVE. And with ignorance, I accepted the worst. I accepted the notion that I was not good enough. I accepted the idea that my life could be no better than those of my predecessors. I accepted the “curse” and lived up to the nothingness of my bloodline.

I did it….

to myself.

I have so many goals… and I have the talent, intelligence, and passion to achieve each of them.

8 years later… I know this.

It took 26 years for me to start fully believing in myself.

I will be complete with my final course in exactly 161 days…

I will be the proud owner of a Bachelor’s Degree in Secondary Education…

with an obvious concentration in English.

& I don’t plan to stop there. 🙂

My journey has not been ideal but when I walk across that stage in May, I will walk across with so much pride, honor, and RESPECT for myself and for my journey. No matter how many times I tell my story, I know NOONE can truly understand what my life has been like. It is so important for me to be successful… to achieve the goals I set… to be an example for my children… to be a wife worth bragging about… to be a child of God completely and fully. I know it has been nothing great about what I have done or what I have overcome, but for no reason at all GOD chose to make this life possible for me.

God did it.

Despite my mistakes…

in spite of my flaws,

my disbelief,

my wavering faith,

my Saturday Margarita Nights & Sunday morning worship,

my lies,

my bad choices…

God saw fit to create this woman that sits in bed with a purple laptop typing away today…

God saw fit to grow this rose from concrete…

And I am determined to live a life worthy of His honor.

For 26 years I have been my own worst enemy…

26.

Years.

Today, I turn it around.

Today, I stop telling myself those little white lies about how large the possibility of failure is.

Today, I practice child-like faith.

No analyzing.

No what-ifs.

Today, I am living in the moment.

&& I’m happy to finally breathe with careless abandon.

I am my own best friend.

🙂

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2 thoughts on “I Am My Own Worst Enemy…

  1. We all are our own worst enemy. I feel the same way as you…so many years later I am finally “hoping” to finish school in something I love..Took many ups and downs and more but girl we got this!!! Your SUPER talented and I know you will go far…Your posts about everyday life in themselves are art..

    1. @KLM Photograhy, I NEVER saw this until today smh Wooooooooooow! Thanx for the comments and yes, you pursued what you love and are now very SUCCESSFUL and AMAZING at it! Keep up the great work KellI! Love you!

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