If Not Me… Then Who?

To chronicle the ups and downs of marriage with 100% accuracy, truth, and honesty would take up too much time. It would ultimately leave those who arent married with the idea that marriage isnt worth it. I dont want to smear anyone’s image or idea of what is supposed to be sacred, honorable, and amazing. I refuse. However, truth is: its hard. Some people go into their unions with the idea that everything will be smooth sailing and they’ll live happily ever after. And sometimes this is the case… BUT the other 99% of marriages take hard work to make them work. Its like an uphill battle… and I think Im ready to throw up my white flag and declare defeat.

As crazy as it seems… I feel like 20 more years of this is just a suicide note waiting to happen. Well… not even because Im at the point where I dont care enough to kill myself over it. I swear there was actually a time when I was soooo depressed at the route my life was taking that I contemplated just ending it all. I didnt see the point in even trying to move forward without him. I couldnt depend on family… and I definitely couldnt depend on him. I felt super alone… andd betrayed… and hurt… and scared. Thank God that is over! The spirit of loneliness and depression has left and in its place is this nonchalant attitude. I try to give a damn but truth is Ive been down this same road many times before and Im just ready to drive off the cliff. Its a dead-end street and for the life of me I cant comprehend what has convinced me to continue driving down this path to nowhere.

I blame love.

But even in doing so I cant lie  to myself and pretend like love is enough. Sure, it covers a multitude of fault. The Bible says it so I believe it… but what if the faults are more than a multitude… and just because love covers these faults doesnt automatically mean I have to stick around and deal with them. Hell, everyone can attest to the fact that some people have to be loved from a distance.  I have been praying and I know what needs to be done. We have been together since we were 17… and Ive listened to enough BoyzIIMen to know what the end of the road looks like. This is it. Dont get scared now. (In my Home Alone voice)

Im tired of being placed on the back burner… tired of coming 2nd to material possessions. Money is important and so is the pursuit of it BUT your marriage should be top priority. Period. There is no way ANYONE will be able to convince me otherwise. I never learned to play violin in elementary school so why the hell am I playing second fiddle at 24 years old?! It just doesnt add up. I have been a good woman… committed, loyal, honest, trustworthy. I’d even go as far as to say I am a DAMN GOOD WOMAN… and when you havent been appreciated in a loooooooong time, when you have been taken for granted more often than not… you learn to let go and put urself on the pedestal you should already be on… the one others are apparently oblivious to. Ive given so much of myself… and I could venture to say I have given too much BUT I have done what I would want my mate to do for me. I have given 100% of myself 100% of the time… Ive laid it all on the line despite past issues and even in spite of my efforts, I am still not #1. And it would be different if God were first and I came second to Him but that is soooooo far from the case that the mere mention of God is inappropriate. smh

I know marriage could be a beautiful thing. Love itself is beyond beatiful IF shared on the same level and the same intensity by both parties. But my love for myself has been put on the back burner and Im tired of things being the way they are. Im fed up with my expectations not being met… Im going to move forward putting myself first… focus on doing what I need to do for me and my children. A friend told me not to make permanent decisions based off temporary emotions….so I wont. BUT this marriage is officially on the backburner…

In due time, I’ll turn the stove off. ♥


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